The photo that started it all

It’s crazy what the mind will do to you. You’ll convince yourself it’s not that bad and that you’ll just start tomorrow. “Not much can change one month from now.” “You don’t have enough money to eat right, so just relax.” But my delusions would only go so far…

Slowly but surely I started to see the dreaded signs.

1. I started to buy high rise underwear to go over my stomach, but soon those started to slip back down under my belly button.

2. Told myself I was bloated that day, refusing to believe I had gained that much weight.

3. Stopped going in front of mirrors all together or spent way to much time in front of them scrutinizing my body. Turning to the side to see how far my stomach was hanging and sucking in my stomach to see what losing 10 pounds would look like.

4. Every car ride I would pull down the sun visor to check if in fact my double chin (or as I like to call my turkey gobble) was getting bigger or it was “just the angle.”

5. Every selfie I took needed a higher and higher angle to bring back a semblance of bone structure and to hide my ever so apparent double chin.

6. The not so delicate hand that rested underneath my chin that was once used to flaunt my engagement ring, was now strategically placed there as camouflage to pull back my neck fat so that I could snap an acceptable picture.

7. Snap chat became a lifesaver with my all time favorite creamy colored filter that snatched your cheeks in with the contour.

8. Every picture taken of me had to be ran by and approved by me.

9. I started discouraging anyone from posting pictures of me online. Or I would Untag myself in Facebook pictures that didn’t catch the “right angle.” It got so bad that I started to feel bad for my husband. He loved snapping pictures of me and posting me online but I would constantly talk about how fat I looked.

10. Pretty soon I took little to no pictures at all, and I for sure hardly posted any.

………..Until… the picture that started it all.

I’ll never forget that day, It was thanksgiving. I love makeup and was excited to try a thanksgiving inspired beat. I was making the Mac and cheese for the family for the first time that year and I was nervous. But I was determined to at least look cute if all else failed. I finished my eye look and it was amazing. A sharp crisp cut crease slayed for the gawds.

But there was just one thing wrong… I couldn’t take a decent picture to save my life.

My face was huge! It was the first time that I noticed in a selfie. Even with the glorious Snapchat filter, I was sure I could get a good shot. But I felt like my face had doubled in size. My cheeks looked heavy. My neck felt suffocated and there was almost no way to hide my turkey gobble even from the front.

I was annoyed, but it was thanksgiving and I had to snap some pictures. It was me and my husbands second thanksgiving together as a married couple and we had flown all the way to California with my parents. Even though I noticed how much larger my face was, I somehow rationalized it to say my face just looked different. I know I know, I was delusional. But still *rolls eyes* Those pictures were not “The photo that started it all.”

The picture that started it all, was the thanksgiving family picture that we took. Seeing myself in comparison to everyone else around me, knowing that I was the one who had changed the most was a huge reality check. I was finally able to identify some of the feelings that my mind tried so hard to protect itself from with all of the delusion.

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I felt shame, shame for letting myself get so big. I felt embarrassed that everyone else could see how big I was, and I felt helpless for not knowing what to do.

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Looking back over the thoughts that I had towards myself before I started this journey makes me emotional. So emotional that I started to cry while writing this post. Everything poured out of me because I remember those feelings all so well. And if I’m being honest I still have moments where I feel this same way. All the signs I identified that let me know that I gained weight we’re necessary. But the negative thoughts that accompanied them were unhealthy. Sometimes we need a catalyst for change, but we can also still be kind and loving to ourselves along the way.

While this blog is an accountability project for me, this blog is also dedicated to all the people who have felt ashamed and embarrassed of themselves and their bodies.

This blog is for everyone who has felt helpless whether it was because of their bodies or the current situation.

This blog is a reminder that the journey to self love won’t always feel great. You’ll catch yourself correcting your behavior along the way.

But nonetheless you will keep pushing forward by choosing you everyday.

Whether you started your journey or not, my dream for you is to love yourself throughout every step. To be kind without any judgment, and to push forward despite every obstacle.

Part 2 for the picture that started it all will come soon.